According to Phil Carson of Phoenix, AZ, roommate Jeff Watts spent the entire weekend in Nike running pants, though he never worked out. Watts, a 26-year-old bartender, slipped them on Saturday afternoon to watch college football, then proceeded to use them to check his email, set his fantasy football roster, and downloaded music. Late that night, he wore them while eating at Whataburger.

“Sunday, he put on his running pants and his cross trainers when he woke up, so I thought he might be going for a quick jog,“ said roommate Carson. “Turned out went next door to buy some weed from our neighbor Mouse.” That night, Watts used the pants to drink 14 beers before blacking out and drunk-dialing his ex.

 ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 16, 2003 IN VOLUME 1 ISSUE 1

Friends of Wes Lancaster, 28, of Normanna, TX, are reporting that the fantasy baseball owner is spending more time worrying about pitcher Kerry Wood’s arm injury than his girlfriend’s broken leg. Two weeks ago, the Cubs placed Wood on the disabled list and Lancaster’s been looking for a pitcher to fill his place in the lineup ever since—often spending two to three hours a day researching players. Yet in the week since his girlfriend’s car accident, he’s visited her just once in the hospital. “Wes did stop by to check on Allison, but he mostly just sat there thinking about who he should drop in order to pick up another pitcher,” said friend Jeremy Caldwell. “He got her a glass of water, stuck around for 15 minutes, and then went home to check the latest player news on Fanball.com.”

“Wood’s hurt again,” Lancaster told his friends. “I guess he’s got a slight muscle strain of his supraspinatus.” In comparison, he seems to know nothing about Allison’s leg injury, saying only that “her leg is fucked up pretty bad and stuff.” Though he plans to road trip 800 miles to watch the Cubs play at Wrigley field in July, Lancaster complained to friends that he’s “probably going to have to drive Allison everywhere and be there for her all the time and shit.” Moments before her surgery Wednesday night, friends say he prayed that Mets pitcher Kris Benson was still available.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JUNE 9, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 18

Three months after losing its job due to the lockout, the National Hockey League is still unemployed and spending most of its time drinking beer and watching TV, says the National Women’s Hockey League. “Every day it’s the same old thing,” said the WNHL. “When I leave in the morning, the league is on the couch. When I come home at night after work, it’s still there, usually watching Jerry Springer or Judge Judy. The only time it gets up is to go to the bathroom or get a Miller High Life out of the fridge. I know being out of work isn’t easy but you have to get out once in awhile, you know? Go to the gym. Or take the dog for a walk. But don’t just sit here eating TV dinners in your pajamas.”

The NWHL tried to help the NHL get back on its feet, but said the league hasn’t put any effort into getting a new job. “I updated the league’s resume, circled some jobs in the newspaper and took it to some networking events. I’ve even set up some interviews but the NHL usually doesn’t show up. I don’t know what else I can do. I tried getting the league to search for jobs at CareerBuilder.com, but it ends up looking at porn.” The NWHL says it knows the manager at TGI Friday’s down the street, so if it wants to, the league can get a job bartending for a few weeks until it finds something permanent.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JUNE 9, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 18

Residents of Daytona Beach, Florida were left shocked and outraged after a huge asshole of a bull shark had the audacity to show up in its own habitat and bite 14-year-old surfer Danny Hicks yesterday. The surprise attack was especially alarming considering that it occurred in a buoyed-off area where the shark was obviously encouraged not to enter. “It’s just so senseless,” said Laura Hicks,” Dan’s mother. “You drop your child off to go enjoy a fun recreational sport in the middle of a precarious breading ground for some of the world’s most dangerous fish and he ends up in the hospital. I’m mortified, I really am. Danny was clearly in the buoyed off area, so what the shark did was totally illegal. That thing should be captured and killed, or soon enough, some other person who innocently frolics in that predator’s ecosystem is going to get hurt.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” said the bull shark. “I feel bad for what happened. But he looked exactly like a seal, especially on the surfboard. Plus, I have a small brain and bad vision, traits common to every Heterodontus galateus. I’m sorry. I am. Tell Danny the next time I’m at home instinctively looking to eat something high in fat and energy content so I can sustain myself and avoid the extinction of my species I’ll be more careful.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JULY 29, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 23