Three months after losing its job due to the lockout, the National Hockey League is still unemployed and spending most of its time drinking beer and watching TV, says the National Women’s Hockey League. “Every day it’s the same old thing,” said the WNHL. “When I leave in the morning, the league is on the couch. When I come home at night after work, it’s still there, usually watching Jerry Springer or Judge Judy. The only time it gets up is to go to the bathroom or get a Miller High Life out of the fridge. I know being out of work isn’t easy but you have to get out once in awhile, you know? Go to the gym. Or take the dog for a walk. But don’t just sit here eating TV dinners in your pajamas.”

The NWHL tried to help the NHL get back on its feet, but said the league hasn’t put any effort into getting a new job. “I updated the league’s resume, circled some jobs in the newspaper and took it to some networking events. I’ve even set up some interviews but the NHL usually doesn’t show up. I don’t know what else I can do. I tried getting the league to search for jobs at CareerBuilder.com, but it ends up looking at porn.” The NWHL says it knows the manager at TGI Friday’s down the street, so if it wants to, the league can get a job bartending for a few weeks until it finds something permanent.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JUNE 9, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 18

Wednesday’s NHL game between Washington and Buffalo was stopped midway through the third period after Capitals rookie Alexander Ovechkin scored so the left winger could be honored for breaking Wayne Gretzky’s career points record. With his 821st goal, Ovechkin totaled his 2,858th point (821G, 2037A)—breaking the Great One’s mark—after just 10 career games. “I got off to a slow start in the first three or four games, but things are really starting to click for me,” said Ovechkin during a post-game news conference. “Everything’s opening up and I’m seeing the ice a lot better. Now that the pressure of the record is off, I’m looking forward to relaxing and just concentrating on playing good hockey.”

Much has been made of this year’s rule changes, which have resulted in a faster game that caters to younger, more agile skaters. This quicker pace means the combined goals per game are up—from 4.14 in 2003 to 5.96 in 2005. “Seeing what Alexander accomplished makes me feel kind of embarrassed that it took me 20 years to do the same, but the NHL is a different game today,” said Gretzky, who attended the game to watch his record fall. “We had the two line pass, a more restrictive off-sides rule, more clutching and grabbing, and a smaller offensive zone. Oh, and you weren’t allowed to blind goalies with pepper spray you carried in your breezers. I’m surprised the NHL’s Board of Governor’s ratified that one.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON NOVEMBER 3, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 32

The merger between America West and US Airways has been put off indefinitely after America West Arena broke the news Wednesday night to US Airways that it would not be taking its name. America West Arena, the home to the NBA’s Phoenix Coyotes since 1992, has held that name since it opened in 1992. It says it never intended to take on another airline’s name. “Look, this doesn’t mean I’m not committed to US Airways. I am,” said America West Arena. “But this is just something I want to do. I don’t want to lose my identity just because I’m entering into a loving relationship. I’ve had the same name for 13 years. Why should I change it now? What if old friends try and Google me? How will they find me?”

US Airways says it’s hurt by America West Arena’s decision, adding that the two sports facilities are not speaking right now. “I guess I just assumed America West would take my name, which is why I never brought it up,” says US Airways. “I’m not saying the merger won’t happen because of this but I’m just really disappointed. I mean, it’s tradition. Plus it would be embarrassing if America West didn’t take my name. Then everyone would think I entered into this partnership with an independent, self-serving stadium that rules the roost.” US Airways did say that if America West would agree to hyphenate its name so that it read America West – US Airways Arena, it would be OK with that.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON NOVEMBER 17, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 34

Phoenix Coyotes Assistant coach Rick Tocchet, accused a week ago of financing a nationwide gambling ring that took bets from about a half-dozen current players, says he expects to be getting a phone call any day now from authorities. Soon after the story broke, news of Wayne Gretzky’s wife’s involvement became the lead story and reports centered on the controversy have focused solely on the one-time NHL great. “I’m pretty sure the feds have my number. If they don’t, it’s 480-274-2782. That’s my home phone. My cell is 480-273-1192,” said Tocchet. I also check email regularly, so if anyone wants to get in touch with me, email me at toccman34@gmail.com.”

Tocchet says that after the media is done over-sensationalizing Wayne Gretzky’s involvement, it too, can feel free to contact him to discuss charges against him. “I’m on leave, so if there are any writers out there who want to interview a guy embroiled in a in illegal gambling rings, racketeering or money laundering, I’m your man,” said Tocchet. “If I don’t answer, just leave a message with Peggy or leave a message on my voicemail. Or better yet, just come over. I’m at 26278 West Fremont Ave. in Scottsdale, AZ. I’ll be on the computer in the garage covering up this mess, so just come around to the back and let yourself in.”

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 16, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 3

Team Kazakhstan’s surprising 5-2 win Monday over Latvia had its players in a good mood and forgetting that none of them have eaten in three weeks. “What a wonderful win for the great republic of Kazakhstan,” said Yevgeniy Koreshkov. “Perhaps now, President Nursultan, in all his glory and goodness, will award us some bread and tea. Or maybe just some livestock and grain. With all this celebrating, I forgot how hungry I was. Oooo, did you hear that? No, that was my stomach growling. My goodness, does anyone have any crackers?”

Kazakhstan, the largest of the former Soviet republics in territory, excluding Russia, experienced a contraction of its economy following the breakup of the USSR in December 1991. The country has been mired in poverty and reconstruction ever since. As such, food is scare, even for athletes. “Government officials packed us lunches but when we went to open them we discovered they were filled with rocks, not sandwiches,” said Fedor Polichshuk. “There is no food for them to send – there’s no meat in the shops, no eggs, nothing. I was able to find a rotten cabbage out of a dumpster, but that’s all I’ve eaten in three weeks. I’ve had to chew my nails just to keep up my energy for the games. Say, you wouldn’t happen to have any chocolate, would you? No? Ok, how about some Levis or a VCR?”

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 21, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 4