Rodney Dishwell, a 28-year-old heroin addict from New York, was designated for rehab assignment at AA Trenton this week. Dishwell, who’s been a junkie for close to five years, admits it’s going to be hard to leave the streets, but said being confined to a baseball stadium might help him turn his life around. “It’s going to be weird lying in the grass instead of the gutter, but my sponsor thinks this will be good for me,” said Dishwell. “Coach said that if I do well enough here, he’ll move him up to AAA Columbus by the end of year.”

Trenton Thunderbirds manager Stump Merrill says he’s excited to see that Dishwell is trying to make a change, but is worried he’ll go through withdrawal. “This is kind of a unique situation because most of the guys who get sent here are pitchers recovering from arm surgery or guys who broke a leg, but Rodney, well, he’s a little different. He’s got collapsed veins, clammy skin and rotten teeth, so we’re going to monitor him pretty closely,” said Merrill. “He’ll probably crash when the smack starts leaving his body, but we think the sunflower seeds, chewing tobacco and Gatorade will help him get through this. Merrill added that if the team can keep Dishwell away from Stan, a cokehead who works in concessions, he’ll do just fine.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON MARCH 31, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 11

Friends of Wes Lancaster, 28, of Normanna, TX, are reporting that the fantasy baseball owner is spending more time worrying about pitcher Kerry Wood’s arm injury than his girlfriend’s broken leg. Two weeks ago, the Cubs placed Wood on the disabled list and Lancaster’s been looking for a pitcher to fill his place in the lineup ever since—often spending two to three hours a day researching players. Yet in the week since his girlfriend’s car accident, he’s visited her just once in the hospital. “Wes did stop by to check on Allison, but he mostly just sat there thinking about who he should drop in order to pick up another pitcher,” said friend Jeremy Caldwell. “He got her a glass of water, stuck around for 15 minutes, and then went home to check the latest player news on Fanball.com.”

“Wood’s hurt again,” Lancaster told his friends. “I guess he’s got a slight muscle strain of his supraspinatus.” In comparison, he seems to know nothing about Allison’s leg injury, saying only that “her leg is fucked up pretty bad and stuff.” Though he plans to road trip 800 miles to watch the Cubs play at Wrigley field in July, Lancaster complained to friends that he’s “probably going to have to drive Allison everywhere and be there for her all the time and shit.” Moments before her surgery Wednesday night, friends say he prayed that Mets pitcher Kris Benson was still available.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JUNE 9, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 18

Friends and family members of brash Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski say that even after you’ve known the guy for years, you still think he’s a complete prick. “A.J. was definitely a problem child,” said Carol Pierzynski, A.J.’s mother. “We all thought it was just a phase he would grow out of but 29 years later and he’s even more of a problem. People talk about kid’s going through the ‘terrible twos’. Well, right now, A.J.’s going through his terrible twenties.” A.J.’s father Donald agreed with his wife’s assessment, saying, “We used to laugh it off by calling him ‘feisty’ or ‘temperamental’ but I think it’s pretty safe to say that A.J. is just a miserable human being with few redeeming qualities. Sometimes I wish we never had him. Actually, I wish that all the time.”

Friend Kevin Foster says A.J. isn’t misunderstood, he’s just a total jerk. “A.J.’s the type of guy who walks up to a girl, tries to grind on her and ends up spilling beer on half the people around him,” said Foster. “Then he’ll call the girl a bitch or a whore when she walks away. That’s A.J. You’d think a guy like him would have a softer side that few people see but not him. He’s an asshole through and through. He’s one of those guys that you can’t figure out how you became friends with. That’s him calling now. No, that’s ok, I’m not going to get it. I’ll send him to voicemail.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER  27, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 31

The United States of America, which had once agreed to participate in the World Baseball Classic that starts play next month, has pulled out of the international tournament. The 230-year-old country said it believes it is instead important to concentrate on the year ahead. “Given all that I have been through with Katrina, the terrorist threats, the unstable economy and a president who isn’t qualified to lead a book club meeting let alone a country, I feel this is the time for me to focus on doing my best for my citizens,” said the States. “I wish all the other teams great success in the WBC and I want them to know that I will be supporting them enthusiastically. Except Canada.”

America also cited concerns about the possible effect of playing in the tournament. “When my name was first announced for the WBC, my gut reaction was that I wanted to play. But it’s a grind, and I worry about how that would effect my responsibilities to curbing homelessness, fighting poverty, minimizing our dependency on oil and decreasing the number of single mothers,” said the USA. The States said it hopes that the rest will enable the global powerhouse to dominate world affairs in 2007. The US is the second country to withdraw from the tournament. Korea pulled out in late January, citing a responsibility to stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. A drunken Australia did not drunk did not return an RSVP, and will also not be participating.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 9, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 2

San Francisco slugger Barry Bonds, who claimed last Saturday that he would retire after the 2006 season, attacked himself today for getting his story wrong.

Bonds explains why he has such a rocky relationship with himself

Saturday night, Bonds was reported as saying, “”I’m not playing baseball anymore after this. The game isn’t fun anymore. I’m tired of all of the crap going on. I want to play this year out, hopefully win, and once the season is over, go home and be with my family. Maybe then everybody can just forget about me.”

But today, Bonds ripped himself for reporting inaccuracies.

”No, I’m not retiring. If I can play in 2007, I’m going to play. If my knee holds up, I’ll keep on going,” said Bonds. “Who the hell tells you guys this stuff? I do? Seriously? Well, that just goes to show you how often I get my story wrong. Honestly, when am I going get it that half that stuff that comes out of my mouth is bullshit. The other half is accurate. And the other half is somewhere in between. What? That’s one half too many? Really? Hmmm. Well, whatever.”

Bonds says it’s also typical of him to fail to confirm his story with another source.

“Yesterday I posted an update saying that I had a good training day – two hours of cardio and another two hours of weight training. To be honest with you, I didn’t even get out of bed until 11 a.m. Then I drove to the gas station to get a couple of tacitos, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream and a newspaper.” – Barry Bonds

”That’s so typical of me, said Bonds. “I’ll have this breaking news that I want to report, like retiring, and you know, I want to be the first one to report it. So rather than sit down with my father, or my mother, and discuss whether or not this is what I’m going to do, I just go live with the story. It’s like, hey Barry, why don’t you try and do some fact checking? And people wonder why I’m so disgruntled. I’ll tell you why. I hate myself. A lot. Like a lot a lot. More than I hate raisins even. Or sushi. Ugh.”

But Barry’s bad reporting isn’t just affecting himself. Several Giants teammates went on record and said that they don’t even talk to Barry anymore because he often gets their stories wrong too.

“I remember Barry and I were hitting in the cage one day and this cute reporter comes up to us,” said Moises Alou. “So she interviews Barry, and then after asking me a few questions, leaves. So, joking, I say to him, ‘I’d cheat on my wife for that,’ you know, totally kidding, just making guy talk. Well, the next day there’s a quote in the press attributed to him about me wanting to cheat on my wife. He totally took it out of context.”

While not admitting to wrongdoing, Bonds said he could do some things differently.

”I take terrible notes, if I take them at all,” said Bonds. “I’ll have something I want to talk about in the media, but I never have paper with me so I just scribble whatever I’m thinking on a bunch of Post-It notes in the car. Well, is it any wonder that I get my story wrong when I’m going off of dirty scraps of paper? People keep telling me I should get one of those tape recorders, but I’ll lose that in five minutes. I bought a pair of Ray-Bans last month. Gone.”

Bonds says that he also gets his stories wrong on his own personal website.

“Honestly, when am I going get it that half that stuff that comes out of my mouth is bullshit. The other half is accurate. And the other half is somewhere in between. What? That’s one half too many? Really? Hmmm. Well, whatever.” – Barry Bonds

“Yesterday I posted an update saying that I had a good training day – two hours of cardio and another two hours of weight training,” said Bonds. “To be honest with you, I didn’t even get out of bed until 11 a.m. Then I drove to the gas station to get a couple of tacitos, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream and a newspaper. When I got back home, I watched three movies before going to bed. Actually, I watched four movies. See, there I go again.”

He says that he’s begun the practice of submitting stories for editing and proofreading to himself to avoid future mistakes.

“Actually, I haven’t quite started doing that yet. That was a total lie,” said Bonds.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 21, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 4

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, well known for his brash comments and fiery personality, held a press conference today to apologize for the controversial comments he’ll be making tomorrow afternoon around one or two in the afternoon. “I’m here today to apologize to every one who I’m going to hurt with my ill-advised comments, especially to the individual to whom the comments were made,” said a remorseful Guillen.

“In foresight, I realize that my comments will be inappropriate and I want the person I’m going to insult to know that those comments don’t represent me or the White Sox organization. I feel embarrassed about what I’m going to say. I feel guilty, too. These are going to be comments I’m going to make without thinking. For that, I am truly sorry.” Guillen says he intends to holds another press conference next week, when he’ll take the opportunity to apologize for his behavior on July 16 during the upcoming baseball season.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 21, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 4

A study today released by the National Center on Race and Recreation (NCRR) paints a bleak picture for Caucasian males interested in playing professional baseball in Latin America.

Caucasians like Michael Young often get tricked into signing multi-million dollar contracts that prevent them from playing in Latin America

”It’s actually much worse than we expected,” said James W. Haught, leading researcher at the NCRR. “There’s two white guys in Venezuela and one in the Dominican Republic. That’s three. Keep in mind, there are something like 200 billion baseball players in Latin America. Quite frankly, that’s a very poor percentage. Simply unacceptable. Whites should simply have greater opportunities to play the game they love in a country not their own. It makes you wonder if there’s some sort of bias, you know?”

Bias or not, whites are failing to defect from their country and illegally cross into Latin America at an alarming rate.

”I’ve thought it, but it just sounds like a whole lot of trouble,” said Boston Red Sox right fielder Gabe Kapler. “One, I’d have to sell my 1.3 million dollar home, and two, I’d have to get out from under the lease of my Hummer H2 and find a buyer for my S-Class. Believe me, the Dominican sounds appealing and I think about going every day, but I’m kind of tied down.”

”For me, it’s just too dangerous, said Chicago White Sox first baseman Jim Thome.” I don’t want to risk my luggage getting lost on the flight over there. Plus there would be a two-hour layover and you never know if the movies they’re going to show are any good. Then you have to wait for the plane to taxi and wait for all the people sitting in rows ahead of you to disembark. It’s just not worth it.”

“I let whatever dreams I once had die. I was so enthusiastic about playing college ball, but then I got out into the real world, started playing for the Yankees, and I got complacent.” – Mike Mussina

Many white kids grow up with the dream to play overseas in Latin America, but few of them pursue it. They get signed by a major league club here in the states, get married, start a family, and soon enough, they’ve given up on their aspirations.

“It’s kind of sad sometimes,” said Texas Rangers pitcher Kevin Millwood. “My brother always wanted to study law so when he graduated from college he took the LSAT, got into NYU and now, he’s a criminal prosecutor in LA. But I’m still here, pitching in the majors – same thing I’ve been doing for nine years. I feel like my time had passed me by, you know? Like, I had my shot to go to play for Cuba but I got comfortable doing this and now I’m probably too old. I just hope my son doesn’t make the same type of mistake. I love you Tommy. Daddy loves you so much. I know I’m not perfect but I love you.”

New York Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina can relate to Millwood’s disappointment.

Gabe Kapler dreams of defecting to Cuba

”I always thought I would be the one in my family to make it, you know? I remember playing baseball in Little League on fields groomed with hundreds of thousands of dollars in sponsor’s money and thinking ‘Some day, Mike. Some day you’re going to get out of here.’ But I never did. I let whatever dreams I once had die. I was so enthusiastic about playing college ball, but then I got out into the real world, started playing for the Yankees, and I got complacent.”

”When he was growing up, Mike used to tell me that he would make me proud,” said Jerry Mussina, Mike’s father. “Today, I can’t even look him in the eyes. I’m going to go to my grave hating him, my only son, a complete failure. I wish I never had him.”

Though the results of the study clearly indicate that white baseball players in the States need to be afforded greater freedom to travel to Latin America to play ball, few people have offered idea that attempt to fix such a problem.

“I’m not sure what the solution is,” said Omar Gonzalez, head of the Latin America Baseball Organization (LABO). “We know there are great players over there in the States. it’s just a matter of getting scouts over there and developing a pipeline for getting them here. For some of those guys, they might not know anything beyond their own backyard. But if we can get some communication going, maybe sit down and talk to their parents and explain the opportunities that exist in Latin America, we can make some progress. If I can change, then you can change. And if you can change, then we can change. And we can change, well, I’m not sure what comes next, but that’s a lot of change.”

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 16, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 6