Friends and family members of brash Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski say that even after you’ve known the guy for years, you still think he’s a complete prick. “A.J. was definitely a problem child,” said Carol Pierzynski, A.J.’s mother. “We all thought it was just a phase he would grow out of but 29 years later and he’s even more of a problem. People talk about kid’s going through the ‘terrible twos’. Well, right now, A.J.’s going through his terrible twenties.” A.J.’s father Donald agreed with his wife’s assessment, saying, “We used to laugh it off by calling him ‘feisty’ or ‘temperamental’ but I think it’s pretty safe to say that A.J. is just a miserable human being with few redeeming qualities. Sometimes I wish we never had him. Actually, I wish that all the time.”

Friend Kevin Foster says A.J. isn’t misunderstood, he’s just a total jerk. “A.J.’s the type of guy who walks up to a girl, tries to grind on her and ends up spilling beer on half the people around him,” said Foster. “Then he’ll call the girl a bitch or a whore when she walks away. That’s A.J. You’d think a guy like him would have a softer side that few people see but not him. He’s an asshole through and through. He’s one of those guys that you can’t figure out how you became friends with. That’s him calling now. No, that’s ok, I’m not going to get it. I’ll send him to voicemail.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER  27, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 31

Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, well known for his brash comments and fiery personality, held a press conference today to apologize for the controversial comments he’ll be making tomorrow afternoon around one or two in the afternoon. “I’m here today to apologize to every one who I’m going to hurt with my ill-advised comments, especially to the individual to whom the comments were made,” said a remorseful Guillen.

“In foresight, I realize that my comments will be inappropriate and I want the person I’m going to insult to know that those comments don’t represent me or the White Sox organization. I feel embarrassed about what I’m going to say. I feel guilty, too. These are going to be comments I’m going to make without thinking. For that, I am truly sorry.” Guillen says he intends to holds another press conference next week, when he’ll take the opportunity to apologize for his behavior on July 16 during the upcoming baseball season.

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED FEBRUARY 21, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 4

A study today released by the National Center on Race and Recreation (NCRR) paints a bleak picture for Caucasian males interested in playing professional baseball in Latin America.

Caucasians like Michael Young often get tricked into signing multi-million dollar contracts that prevent them from playing in Latin America

”It’s actually much worse than we expected,” said James W. Haught, leading researcher at the NCRR. “There’s two white guys in Venezuela and one in the Dominican Republic. That’s three. Keep in mind, there are something like 200 billion baseball players in Latin America. Quite frankly, that’s a very poor percentage. Simply unacceptable. Whites should simply have greater opportunities to play the game they love in a country not their own. It makes you wonder if there’s some sort of bias, you know?”

Bias or not, whites are failing to defect from their country and illegally cross into Latin America at an alarming rate.

”I’ve thought it, but it just sounds like a whole lot of trouble,” said Boston Red Sox right fielder Gabe Kapler. “One, I’d have to sell my 1.3 million dollar home, and two, I’d have to get out from under the lease of my Hummer H2 and find a buyer for my S-Class. Believe me, the Dominican sounds appealing and I think about going every day, but I’m kind of tied down.”

”For me, it’s just too dangerous, said Chicago White Sox first baseman Jim Thome.” I don’t want to risk my luggage getting lost on the flight over there. Plus there would be a two-hour layover and you never know if the movies they’re going to show are any good. Then you have to wait for the plane to taxi and wait for all the people sitting in rows ahead of you to disembark. It’s just not worth it.”

“I let whatever dreams I once had die. I was so enthusiastic about playing college ball, but then I got out into the real world, started playing for the Yankees, and I got complacent.” – Mike Mussina

Many white kids grow up with the dream to play overseas in Latin America, but few of them pursue it. They get signed by a major league club here in the states, get married, start a family, and soon enough, they’ve given up on their aspirations.

“It’s kind of sad sometimes,” said Texas Rangers pitcher Kevin Millwood. “My brother always wanted to study law so when he graduated from college he took the LSAT, got into NYU and now, he’s a criminal prosecutor in LA. But I’m still here, pitching in the majors – same thing I’ve been doing for nine years. I feel like my time had passed me by, you know? Like, I had my shot to go to play for Cuba but I got comfortable doing this and now I’m probably too old. I just hope my son doesn’t make the same type of mistake. I love you Tommy. Daddy loves you so much. I know I’m not perfect but I love you.”

New York Yankees pitcher Mike Mussina can relate to Millwood’s disappointment.

Gabe Kapler dreams of defecting to Cuba

”I always thought I would be the one in my family to make it, you know? I remember playing baseball in Little League on fields groomed with hundreds of thousands of dollars in sponsor’s money and thinking ‘Some day, Mike. Some day you’re going to get out of here.’ But I never did. I let whatever dreams I once had die. I was so enthusiastic about playing college ball, but then I got out into the real world, started playing for the Yankees, and I got complacent.”

”When he was growing up, Mike used to tell me that he would make me proud,” said Jerry Mussina, Mike’s father. “Today, I can’t even look him in the eyes. I’m going to go to my grave hating him, my only son, a complete failure. I wish I never had him.”

Though the results of the study clearly indicate that white baseball players in the States need to be afforded greater freedom to travel to Latin America to play ball, few people have offered idea that attempt to fix such a problem.

“I’m not sure what the solution is,” said Omar Gonzalez, head of the Latin America Baseball Organization (LABO). “We know there are great players over there in the States. it’s just a matter of getting scouts over there and developing a pipeline for getting them here. For some of those guys, they might not know anything beyond their own backyard. But if we can get some communication going, maybe sit down and talk to their parents and explain the opportunities that exist in Latin America, we can make some progress. If I can change, then you can change. And if you can change, then we can change. And we can change, well, I’m not sure what comes next, but that’s a lot of change.”

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED MARCH 16, 2006 IN VOLUME 4 ISSUE 6