Two months after being traded from the Toronto Raptors to the New Jersey Nets, a happier Vince Carter lashed out at his former self Wednesday. Carter, who’s rejuvenated his career with the Nets, is a visibly different player since the trade, putting up much better numbers and playing with greater intensity and energy. “I’m glad to be gone, I really am. I was miserable playing as myself,” said Carter. “I totally dogged it, and made sure everyone in Toronto knew I wanted out. I didn’t play hard or score much either. Now that things are good again, I look back and wonder how I managed to play in that environment day in and day out, as depressing as I made it.”

Carter, who’s averaging 26 points a game with the Nets—11 more than he averaged with the Raptors this year, said he’s much happier playing as a version of himself who cares. “Back in Toronto, I had a loser’s mentality and I didn’t get along with myself. Plus, my chemistry with myself was horrible,” said Carter.” I guess it just didn’t seem like I cared. I mean, I wasn’t dedicated to the team and I sat out games with injuries I could have played with. Really, I have to question if my heart was ever in it. It’s just good to be playing somewhere where I care. I can’t begin to explain to you how good it feels to be playing as my present self.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON MARCH 10, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 9

Rodney Dishwell, a 28-year-old heroin addict from New York, was designated for rehab assignment at AA Trenton this week. Dishwell, who’s been a junkie for close to five years, admits it’s going to be hard to leave the streets, but said being confined to a baseball stadium might help him turn his life around. “It’s going to be weird lying in the grass instead of the gutter, but my sponsor thinks this will be good for me,” said Dishwell. “Coach said that if I do well enough here, he’ll move him up to AAA Columbus by the end of year.”

Trenton Thunderbirds manager Stump Merrill says he’s excited to see that Dishwell is trying to make a change, but is worried he’ll go through withdrawal. “This is kind of a unique situation because most of the guys who get sent here are pitchers recovering from arm surgery or guys who broke a leg, but Rodney, well, he’s a little different. He’s got collapsed veins, clammy skin and rotten teeth, so we’re going to monitor him pretty closely,” said Merrill. “He’ll probably crash when the smack starts leaving his body, but we think the sunflower seeds, chewing tobacco and Gatorade will help him get through this. Merrill added that if the team can keep Dishwell away from Stan, a cokehead who works in concessions, he’ll do just fine.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON MARCH 31, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 11

I saw Audrye Sessions open for Fun and Manchester Orchestra a few weeks back in Houston. Halfway through the band’s set, I turned to a fellow fan:

Me: “They sound a bit like Radiohead.”

Fan: “Maybe, dude, but that’s saying a lot. I mean, they’re good, but fuck.”

Me: “No, I know. But there’s a little resemblance there. Maybe they’re not like Radiohead, but the poor man’s Radiohead.”

Fan: “Maybe, dude, but that’s still saying a lot. I mean, they’re good, but fuck.”

Me: “True. Maybe they’re like the homeless man’s Radiohead.”

Fan: “Sort of.”

Me: ‘What do you mean ‘sort of?’”

Fan: “Well, yeah, generally speaking, they sort of do. But on ‘Turn Me Off’, they do especially, but in a coked-up kind of way. Like Tom Yorke is in a hurry to finish a song.”

Me: “So Audrye Sessions is a coked-up, homeless man’s Radiohead?”

Fan: “Well, yeah.”

Me: “Is that good?”

Fan: “Good? That’s great.”

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Minnesota Timberwolves point guard Sam Cassell responded to critics’ claims that he’s a cancer to the team Monday by arguing that he’s really more like the chronic disease diabetes. “I hate to nitpick, but cancer is any malignant growth or tumor caused by abnormal cell division. Instead of maturing normally and dying, cancerous cells reproduce without restraint. Frequently, death occurs” said Cassell. “While it’s true I am certainly abnormal looking and I haven’t matured since I came into the league, there’s no way I played without restraint because I was nursing an injury most of the year. I guess you could say I hurt the Timberwolves, but I don’t think I killed them.”

Cassell did admit that he understands why some people would compare the one-time all-star to diabetes. “With diabetes, your body doesn’t produce enough insulin, which is a hormone that is necessary to convert food into energy. Well, same with me. I didn’t produce enough assists this year, which are necessary to convert fast breaks into points.” Cassell added that the Timberwolves still could have made the playoffs had Latrell Sprewell not been such a Hermanski-Pudlak Syndrome.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON APRL 21, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 13

Friends of Wes Lancaster, 28, of Normanna, TX, are reporting that the fantasy baseball owner is spending more time worrying about pitcher Kerry Wood’s arm injury than his girlfriend’s broken leg. Two weeks ago, the Cubs placed Wood on the disabled list and Lancaster’s been looking for a pitcher to fill his place in the lineup ever since—often spending two to three hours a day researching players. Yet in the week since his girlfriend’s car accident, he’s visited her just once in the hospital. “Wes did stop by to check on Allison, but he mostly just sat there thinking about who he should drop in order to pick up another pitcher,” said friend Jeremy Caldwell. “He got her a glass of water, stuck around for 15 minutes, and then went home to check the latest player news on Fanball.com.”

“Wood’s hurt again,” Lancaster told his friends. “I guess he’s got a slight muscle strain of his supraspinatus.” In comparison, he seems to know nothing about Allison’s leg injury, saying only that “her leg is fucked up pretty bad and stuff.” Though he plans to road trip 800 miles to watch the Cubs play at Wrigley field in July, Lancaster complained to friends that he’s “probably going to have to drive Allison everywhere and be there for her all the time and shit.” Moments before her surgery Wednesday night, friends say he prayed that Mets pitcher Kris Benson was still available.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JUNE 9, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 18