Baltimore Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmeiro will avoid a trial and possible jail time after the U.S. Federal Government elected not charge him with perjury for lying during a March steroid hearing after learning his had his fingers crossed behind his back. Rumors were circulating that Palmeiro, who was suspended Monday for testing positive, would be charged with perjury since he denied using them while testifying before the U.S. House of Representatives this past March. “While Mr. Palmeiro went on record and said, ‘I have never used steroids. Period’, he did so while crossing his fingers behind his back, which means our hands are tied,” said Rep. Tom Davis. “There’s not much we can do. A rule is a rule.”

Davis, who served as chairman of the hearing, said he wanted to file a lawsuit  against Palmeiro, but getting a conviction seemed tough. “Historically speaking, most perjury cases that involve a liar who crossed his fingers behind his back are dismissed,” said Professor Don Whitebread, Chair of Legal Studies at NYU. “They just don’t hold up in court, especially if the defendant crosses both sets of fingers on each hand, which is like, totally hard. Seriously, try it.” Davis said he tried just calling Palmeiro a liar, but Palmeiro came back with “what you say is what you are” and turned the Republican from Virginia into a naked movie star.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON AUGUST 4, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 24