Derek Allison, 28, of Minneapolis, says that ever since his friend Jeff Tanner ran Grandma’s Marathon in Duluth, Minnesota last month, he’s been working the feat into every conversation. “We were at the bar last night when I started talking about how hard it’s been since Anne and I broke up,” said Allison. “So Jeff says to me, ‘I totally know how you feel. The last four miles of Grandma’s was probably the worst time of my life.’ Then today, we were bumming around in Jeff’s car when I asked him if we could stop at a gas station because I wanted something to drink. And he’s all, “Dude, you think you’re thirsty? You don’t know what thirsty is. Try running 26.2 miles in the sun. Then come talk to me.’ It was like he was pissed because I wanted a Coke but hadn’t run a marathon.”

Chris Willis, another friend, says that in a similar fashion, Jeff tends to steal everybody’s thunder by talking about the marathon in relation to his friend’s accomplishments. “Last weekend we were all out at a restaurant and I raised a toast to my fiancé Kristen for passing the bar exam when Jeff says, ‘That’s really great Kristen, but I tell you what, the high you get from crossing the finish line of a marathon is unlike anything you’ll ever experience. It’s just insane. You should run one sometime.’” Chris also reports that throughout the course of the evening, Jeff also upstaged Denise, who just delivered a baby, Kyle, whose father just beat cancer, and James, who was promoted to VP of Marketing at an architectural firm.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON JULY 29, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 23

I gravitate towards music that was inspired by angst. All the sublimely magnificent writers, poets, and artists seemed to have it, or did have it. Hell, most classic writers had a drinking problem at one time or another. I’m at the point where I’m thinking of developing a meth problem so the metaphors come easier.  

So, when buzz started to build in mid 2008 about Justin Vernon (Bon Iver) and the album he had spit out after three months of solitude in a desolate log cabin following the breakup of his band, getting dumped and battling mono, I thought,  “this record is going to be fucking brilliant. How can it not be?”

And it is.

“Skinny Love” and “Flume” are the two most acclaimed songs off of Bon Iver’s solo masterpiece, For Emma, but it is the title song that allows the listener to best understand how overwhelming that angst was for him.

“Go find another lover; / To bring a. … to string along.”

Just typing that hurts.

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Baltimore Orioles first baseman Rafael Palmeiro will avoid a trial and possible jail time after the U.S. Federal Government elected not charge him with perjury for lying during a March steroid hearing after learning his had his fingers crossed behind his back. Rumors were circulating that Palmeiro, who was suspended Monday for testing positive, would be charged with perjury since he denied using them while testifying before the U.S. House of Representatives this past March. “While Mr. Palmeiro went on record and said, ‘I have never used steroids. Period’, he did so while crossing his fingers behind his back, which means our hands are tied,” said Rep. Tom Davis. “There’s not much we can do. A rule is a rule.”

Davis, who served as chairman of the hearing, said he wanted to file a lawsuit  against Palmeiro, but getting a conviction seemed tough. “Historically speaking, most perjury cases that involve a liar who crossed his fingers behind his back are dismissed,” said Professor Don Whitebread, Chair of Legal Studies at NYU. “They just don’t hold up in court, especially if the defendant crosses both sets of fingers on each hand, which is like, totally hard. Seriously, try it.” Davis said he tried just calling Palmeiro a liar, but Palmeiro came back with “what you say is what you are” and turned the Republican from Virginia into a naked movie star.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON AUGUST 4, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 24

A year removed from suffering his worst year as a professional baseball player, Jason Giambi is slamming home runs and flashing smiles, playing so well he’s being mentioned as the possible Comeback Player of the Year. “It’s an inspirational story, it really is,” said a choked up Tim Kurkijan during a SportsCenter feature on the Yankees DH. “Here you have a ball player who had to come all the way back from an injury-plagued year brought on by rampant steroid abuse. He could have packed it in, But he didn’t. He scratched and clawed his way back by refusing to continue taking banned supplements. Now that he’s returned to glory by hitting .271, we should applaud him. No seriously, fucking clap. Put your hands together for Giambi, for America, for freedom.”

”Success stories like these kind of puts everything in perspective,” wrote Buster Olney on ESPN.com Wednesday. “What those illegal drugs put him through is a hell no man should have to endure. But here he is, a year later, posting his lowest RBI total in six years. It makes me want to go home and stare at my baby girl in her crib and smile, because everything’s going to be OK. Jason, if you reading this, thank you. Thank you for showing me that heroes still walk our streets.”

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON SEPTEMBER 29, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 27

You will start at quarterback this Sunday for a stumbling New York Jets team in dire need of an offensive jump-start. Head coach Herm Edwards, who listed you ahead of Brooks Bollinger on the depth chart Wednesday, said he now wants you to work with the first-team offense. “At this point, I feel that we need a change as far as making some plays in the passing game. I think you can provide that,” Edwards told you Wednesday. “Brooks did a good job for us, but at the end of the day, when he can’t make plays passing the ball, it’s tough. So I decided that it’s for the best interest of this football team that we go with you this week.”

You will become the third different starter this year for the Jets, who already lost No. 1 quarterback Chad Pennington and backup Jay Fieldler for the year to injury. Bollinger started in last week’s 13-3 loss at Baltimore, which dropped the team to 1-3. While you come with some drawbacks — notably a lack of mobility and a propensity for turnovers — you may be a good fit for an offense installed by new offensive coordinator Mike Heimerdinger because it calls for a more vertical passing game, which favors your solid arm strength. It is likely that you, signed yesterday and given a cram course in the offense, will remain the starter for the rest of the season, barring injury.

ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 6, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 28