Following the success of the hugely popular Girls Gone Wild DVD series, founder and CEO Joe Francis has released “Terrell Owens Gone Wild”, which hits store shelves this Friday. “College Girls are raunchy, but damn,” said Francis. “He’s a total freak. With most girls, you have to kind of coax them into getting naked, Unless they’re drunk. Not with T.O. though. He eats it right up. Plus he’s 32 so we don’t have to deal with those annoying age consent forms.” Francis said the 54-minute video contains, among many features, wild contract negotiation scenes, explicit one-on-one shots of Owens and agent Drew Rosenhaus, and footage of amateur writers getting T.O all hot and bothered with mundane questions.
“He’ll do anything to get attention,” said Frances. “When we told him we’d give him a t-shirt and a hat if he took off his shirt, and then did sit-ups and lifted weights in his driveway, he didn’t even hesitate. Francis said that if the video does well enough, he would like to release another one titled “Terrell Owens Gone Wild: On Campus”, which would feature erotic, raunchy clips of Owens’ naughty touchdown celebrations while at Tennessee-Chattanooga. Reached for comment, Owens says he regrets appearing in the video because his mother might see it.
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 6, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 28
Those close to Lance Armstrong say the seven-time Tour de France winner is at the point where he’s refusing to spend time with people who aren’t suffering from cancer. “We all thought it was really great of him to start up the Lance Armstrong Foundation, and we sure admire him for his charity work, but I don’t remember the last time he was over here for dinner,” said Linda Armstrong, Lance’s mother. “I made him pork chops last Thursday evening, but he ended up eating meat loaf at a hospital with a 12-year-old boy with leukemia. Oh, then there’s Sunday. He said he would come over to stain my deck but he cancelled because Habitat for Humanity needed him to help build houses for cancer survivors. I’m thinking about scheduling a mammogram just to get his attention.”
Armstrong drew criticism during the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina when he announced he would donate money to survivors suffering from cancer. “Listen, I like people without cancer, I do. But they seem so complacent. So boring,” said Armstrong. “People with cancer just do it for me. They’ve just got this zest for life that’s so amazing. They’re so courageous. I don’t want to say that non-cancer sufferers are weak, but well, I just did.” Armstrong reports that he and fiancé Sheryl Crow are enjoying the new addition to their family—a 4-year old rotweiller named Zeus that has osteosarcoma.
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 20, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 30
To promote Red Bull Soapbox Denver at Red Rocks, which went down October 25, 2008, I took The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (a crew of fun, creative college kids from the South Dakota School of Mines that competed in and won Red Bull Soapbox Providence the year before) to Mt. Rushmore for a little training and a lot of tomfoolery in July.
First, they hit the gym hard. Real hard. Then, after we shut down highway that runs past Rushmore, they raced the winning craft from Soapbox Rhode Island (a giant calculator called “The Numerator”) down it numerous times to gear up for the race in Denver.
Friends and family members of brash Chicago White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski say that even after you’ve known the guy for years, you still think he’s a complete prick. “A.J. was definitely a problem child,” said Carol Pierzynski, A.J.’s mother. “We all thought it was just a phase he would grow out of but 29 years later and he’s even more of a problem. People talk about kid’s going through the ‘terrible twos’. Well, right now, A.J.’s going through his terrible twenties.” A.J.’s father Donald agreed with his wife’s assessment, saying, “We used to laugh it off by calling him ‘feisty’ or ‘temperamental’ but I think it’s pretty safe to say that A.J. is just a miserable human being with few redeeming qualities. Sometimes I wish we never had him. Actually, I wish that all the time.”
Friend Kevin Foster says A.J. isn’t misunderstood, he’s just a total jerk. “A.J.’s the type of guy who walks up to a girl, tries to grind on her and ends up spilling beer on half the people around him,” said Foster. “Then he’ll call the girl a bitch or a whore when she walks away. That’s A.J. You’d think a guy like him would have a softer side that few people see but not him. He’s an asshole through and through. He’s one of those guys that you can’t figure out how you became friends with. That’s him calling now. No, that’s ok, I’m not going to get it. I’ll send him to voicemail.”
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON OCTOBER 27, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 31
Wednesday’s NHL game between Washington and Buffalo was stopped midway through the third period after Capitals rookie Alexander Ovechkin scored so the left winger could be honored for breaking Wayne Gretzky’s career points record. With his 821st goal, Ovechkin totaled his 2,858th point (821G, 2037A)—breaking the Great One’s mark—after just 10 career games. “I got off to a slow start in the first three or four games, but things are really starting to click for me,” said Ovechkin during a post-game news conference. “Everything’s opening up and I’m seeing the ice a lot better. Now that the pressure of the record is off, I’m looking forward to relaxing and just concentrating on playing good hockey.”
Much has been made of this year’s rule changes, which have resulted in a faster game that caters to younger, more agile skaters. This quicker pace means the combined goals per game are up—from 4.14 in 2003 to 5.96 in 2005. “Seeing what Alexander accomplished makes me feel kind of embarrassed that it took me 20 years to do the same, but the NHL is a different game today,” said Gretzky, who attended the game to watch his record fall. “We had the two line pass, a more restrictive off-sides rule, more clutching and grabbing, and a smaller offensive zone. Oh, and you weren’t allowed to blind goalies with pepper spray you carried in your breezers. I’m surprised the NHL’s Board of Governor’s ratified that one.”
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON NOVEMBER 3, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 32
A friend recently asked me to post a song of the day by Foo Fighters. I immediately thought, “OK, we’re going to have to get creative here.” I can’t come to the table with a Top 40 hit. That’s what your local wacky FM DJ Fly Guy is for.
But then I remembered that Dave Grohl covered a Creed song a few years ago. OK, fine, so Creed sold millions upon millions of albums and made millions upon millions of dollars. Not sure how to explain that one. Let’s call it the “Nickleback Effect.”
Unfortunately, success does not always equate respect, and frontman Scott Stapp, while worth a ton of money, is unintentional comedy at its best.
ESPN college basketball analyst Dick Vitale, known for his jubilant color commenting and animated personality, reportedly found his way back to ESPN’s headquarters Thursday afternoon after being ditched. “Quick, quick, get in the car,” Jay Bilas shouted to Andy Katz, both EPSN college basketball analysts themselves, outside a Chili’s a few miles from ESPN’s corporate offices in Bristol, Connecticut. The trio had gone there for lunch, when, while Vitale was in the bathroom, Bilas and Katz hatched a plan to ditch their annoying colleague. When Vitale went up to the counter to pay, they took off in Bilas’ Jeep Liberty.
An hour later, Vitale showed up back at the office sweaty and red-faced. “Dicky V is prime time! A true P.T. P. baby! Dicky’s pals tried to give him the ol’ Wilson sandwich but I brought the W baby! You can try and trick me but it’s no contest. No contest baby!” Vitale said after he learned his colleagues left him behind, he walked a mile to a phone booth where he called a cab. “Jay-Jay and Andy-dandy wanted to make the Dickster M.I.A., but I’m a surfer and turfer baby, a real superstar! It’s strawberry shortcake time baby!” Bilas and Katz, who were sure they’d get to enjoy an afternoon without Vitale after ditching him, were forced to fill his cubicle with ping pong balls, Saran-wrapped his car, and finally, duct-tape him to a wall.
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON NOVEMBER 3, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 32
I dislike repetition of lyrics in songs – beyond the chorus of course. People don’t repeat themselves in life. You never overhear someone say, “You want to get lunch today? How about Jimmy John’s? You want to get lunch today? How about Jimmy John’s?” Then again, people also don’t sing in life (aside from annoying coworker Debbie in the cubicle next to you), so I’m not sure I have a point.
Having said that, I do like the haunting repetition of the question “What do you know?” in the Puscifer song “The Mission.” The song itself in its entirety (highlighted by that phrase and a pounding drum) reminds the time I stumbled upon the Michigan State marching band having a seance. Or something like that.
If the voice on this Puscifer track sounds familiar, then you’re a fan of Tool and/or A Perfect Circle, for the lead singer of all three is Maynard James Keenan. Puscifer is a side project.
Keenan describes Puscifer as “simply a playground for the various voices in my head, [...] a space with no clear or discernible goals, [...] where my Id, Ego, and Anima all come together to exchange cookie recipes.”
Ummmm … why don’t we move on and listen to the song.
Visitors to the site are asked to do, um, well, nothing, which ties in very well to the Kit Kat slogan: “Have a break.” (Not sure what happened to “Gimmee a Break”).
A break from what? From all the avtivities, obligations and distractions that flash as the site is loading.
The best part of this site? The fine print at the bottom of the page. Being funny for the sake of being funny in your marketing or advertising is one thing (think beer ads), but tying your humor directly to your product or message is harder to do and when done, often not done on target.
The merger between America West and US Airways has been put off indefinitely after America West Arena broke the news Wednesday night to US Airways that it would not be taking its name. America West Arena, the home to the NBA’s Phoenix Coyotes since 1992, has held that name since it opened in 1992. It says it never intended to take on another airline’s name. “Look, this doesn’t mean I’m not committed to US Airways. I am,” said America West Arena. “But this is just something I want to do. I don’t want to lose my identity just because I’m entering into a loving relationship. I’ve had the same name for 13 years. Why should I change it now? What if old friends try and Google me? How will they find me?”
US Airways says it’s hurt by America West Arena’s decision, adding that the two sports facilities are not speaking right now. “I guess I just assumed America West would take my name, which is why I never brought it up,” says US Airways. “I’m not saying the merger won’t happen because of this but I’m just really disappointed. I mean, it’s tradition. Plus it would be embarrassing if America West didn’t take my name. Then everyone would think I entered into this partnership with an independent, self-serving stadium that rules the roost.” US Airways did say that if America West would agree to hyphenate its name so that it read America West – US Airways Arena, it would be OK with that.
ORIGINALY PUBLISHED ON NOVEMBER 17, 2005 IN VOLUME 3 ISSUE 34
